


I Hate You, But I Hate Me More

by itsametaphorforlife



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, F/M, Recovery, chance to start over?, pure angst, self loath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:43:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6734710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsametaphorforlife/pseuds/itsametaphorforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You and Nick used to be best friends and lovers. After months of heartbreak you receive a call that Nick has been in an accident. You go to see him and realize that maybe you still care for him after all...<br/>This takes place during 1x01.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate You, But I Hate Me More

You are working when you receive the call.   
“Hello?” You answer your cell, propping the phone between your shoulder and your ear so as to not be disturbed while you type away. As an investigative journalist, you need all hands on deck, especially now when you were in the heart of your article, which was quite possibly the game changer for the rest of your career. You only half listen to the voice on the other end, but your heart sank as you realize the reason for the call.  
“Alright.” You say, a migraine already forming. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” You hang up and attempt to finish your article, but can’t seem to focus anymore. With a knot forming in your stomach, you head out and prepare yourself to face him.   
***************************  
The LA traffic had been unbearable, but you manage to make it to the hospital in less than an hour. The doctor on the phone had mentioned you were the first of Nick Clark’s emergency contacts, the name of your old love felt like a knife twisting into your gut. You contemplated not going for a moment, not wanting to face him, not after what had happened all those months ago; but for some reason you couldn’t resist. You knew you had to see him, even if it was just to tell him that you still hated him. 

You made your way through the hospital corridor, remembering the listed room and floor from the call. As you enter the hallway, your world seemed to slow down, as if you were in a dream and reality had become distorted. Your head began to feel fuzzy,perhaps not wanting to remember the pain he had put you through. You make note of the police officers in the hallway, chatting amongst themselves about an “unbelievably rude woman.” You arrived at the room, Nick’s room, and for a moment contemplated if you really wanted to go in. 

“Well,” You sighed, “Already made it this far, why turn back now?” You took a deep breath, finding your center of balance and was about to enter the room when you were stopped by an exiting man. 

You recognized the man as Travis Manawa, Nick’s step father, who had his cell phone in hand and appeared to be stressed. Travis looked at you, but dismissed you almost immediately. Normally you would have been hurt but Travis has never met you before, you just knew him as Mr. Manawa, the English teacher at your old high school who was shacking up with your counselor (while you were shacking up with her son). 

Travis turned to talk to Alicia, who was making a snide comment about him moving in. You hoped Alicia didn’t see you, or that if she did she wouldn’t try to talk to you. You and Alicia used to get along pretty well, but after Nick turned to drugs Alicia became bitter, partially blaming you for what had happened to her brother. To your luck Alicia didn’t even look in your direction, and you were able to walk into the room without confronting her. 

You don’t see Nick, not at first. No, you see Madison, who looks just about sick. Having heard you enter the room, she turns to look at you, her green eyes lit with concern and confusion. You shift your gaze from her before she could make you too uncomfortable, allowing your eyes to rest on Nick. 

Nick’s brown eyes focused on you, and a shiver ran through your body He was in pain, but not just physically, no, you had known Nick long enough to understand that he was in deep emotional pain as well. “(Y/N)?” He says, looking confused and shaking his head slightly. “What are you doing here?” You made note of the crack in his voice.

“Apparently,” you said dryly. “I’m still one of your emergency contacts.” 

“Oh shit. I’m sorry.” Nick said, and you had to stop yourself from looking at the purplish- red bruise on his forehead. 

“Emergency contact?” Madison’s forehead scrunched as she looked from you to Nick. 

“Yeah. Shortly after we turned 18, Nick made me one of his contacts just in case he got into some trouble with the drugs.” You had no emotion as you told this to Madison. You didn’t mention that at the time “trouble with the drugs” extended only as far as drinking and smoking pot, not shooting up with heroin to play in traffic.

Madison opened her mouth to say something but Alicia entered the room. “Oh great, as if this day couldn’t get any better.” Alicia said sarcastically upon seeing you. 

“Hi Alicia.” You said sincerely. 

“Don’t talk to me, (Y/N).” Alicia said, sitting down in a chair.

“Alicia!” Madison snapped. “I have just about had it with your attitude young lady.” 

Your headache was getting worse. You only came to see Nick, not to be part of his family’s drama. 

“Would you guys just please stop?” Nick said, tired. 

You could tell Alicia wanted to say something, but then Travis entered the room, followed by a nurse. Madison went over to talk to Travis while the nurse sought to Nick. There was an awkward silence which Alicia took to go back to her phone. You quickly scanned over Nick’s body. He was badly bruised and seemed to have lost some weight since you last saw him. You thought of him sprawled out on the street, covered in his own blood and shaking from the drugs in his system; not knowing his accident wasn’t nearly that bad. 

Moments later Madison announced that she and Alicia were leaving and Travis was going to stay. 

“It was...nice, seeing you again (Y/N). I hope we can catch up sometime later.” Madison said in the motherly voice you remembered from all your years spent with her at the counselor's office. 

“Yeah...sure.” You said, as she turned with Alicia (who only glared at you), and left. 

“So…” Nick said, breaking the silence. “Long time no see?” He coughed and offered a wan smile. 

“Don’t do this Nick.” You said, crossing your arms. 

“Don’t do what, (Y/N)?” 

“What you always do. Try to brush something off as no big deal.”

“But it isn’t a big deal.” 

“You call being so hyped up on drugs that you get hit by a car ‘no big deal’?” You couldn’t control the worry laced in your voice. It nearly killed you that after all he’s put you through, you find you still care for him. 

“Okay I’m going to go grab a coffee,” Travis said awkwardly (you had forgotten he was even there) and left. 

“I wasn’t ‘hyped up on drugs’ (Y/N)!” 

“Huh,” You laugh. “You still don’t know when to tell the truth I see.” 

“Why would I lie to you?” Nick said, eyes looking sad. 

“You’ve done it before.” You said, thinking of the drugs, thinking of Gloria.

 

“That’s bullshit, (Y/N) I told you everything...eventually.” 

You shook your head and smiled pitifully, trying not to let the hurt show. Trying not to cry. “You know what, Nick, I really don’t need this right now. I don’t even know why I came here.” You turned to leave. 

“Fuck. (Y/N) wait.” Nick called, stopping you. You turn to face him. 

“What do you want?” 

“Do you really want to know how I got hit by that car? The real reason?” Your silence proved your curiosity to him. “I was running from someone...something.” He searched for words and sighed. “Forget it,” He said shifting his gaze, “You’re never going to believe me.” 

You walked over and sat in a chair next to his bed, turning it so it faces him. “You have ten minutes.” Nick nodded and began to tell you everything; the abandoned church, the score from the night before, Gloria as a revived monster eating a man’s flesh. He told you about how he ran into the street in fear, and how he barely felt pain when the car hit him, even though he couldn’t move. 

Nick finished what he was saying and looked away. You stayed silent for a minute trying to process what he said. “I knew you wouldn’t believe me.” He said, shaking his head. 

“But I do.” You heard yourself say. It was true. You had been researching the government on this for weeks now. Having a friend in the military who told you that this flu outbreak wouldn’t get better, and that he knew of several people who died but came back as monsters. You told this to Nick, who sighed loudly and gave a little smile. 

“So I’m not insane? Oh my god.” A tear slipped down his cheek. You felt pity for him. “I know I don’t deserve it,” he said, making eye contact with you. “But thank you, (Y/N). Thank you for being here.” 

The longer you looked at him the heavier your chest felt. You hated seeing him like this, you hated to see him cry or in pain; and he was in both. But as you looked at him, you couldn’t stop yourself from remembering everything. You thought of how you two met when you were in a meeting with his mom and he barged in to ask her something. You remembered the way you felt when he looked at you for the first time and smiled, you had to stop yourself from blushing. You remembered running into him after school that day and he asked if you wanted to go smoke with him. You remember smiling and saying ‘lead the way’. He took you to an isolated park which would become your regular hangout spot. Before the end of your senior year you and Nick were stuck at the hip, best of friends, and passionate lovers. You were dating without officially telling anybody, except a few close friends and Alicia of course. 

Then it happened, that day during the end of your freshman year in college when Nick told you he was dropping out. You were sitting on a small hill in the park that faced the city. Nick told you that college just ‘wasn’t for him’ and you noticed how the sweat beaded on his forehead and his hands shook. You asked him if he were doing drugs and he laughed to himself. You got angry and started yelling, and he yelled back, eventually he said Gloria had got him a good deal and he couldn’t refuse. Your heart sank when he said her name, She had a reputation around campus as a heroin addict, though no one would believe it because she was so beautiful, as if you couldn’t be both attractive and addicted to hard drugs. Somehow you knew Nick had cheated on you. You asked him with tears in your eyes and he had gotten quiet. Eventually he admitted it, and that it was a mistake, and it would never happen again. You asked how long and he said ‘two weeks’ and you said, ‘I hate you and never want to speak to you again,’ and left him on that hill to be nothing more than a painful memory. 

You had remembered this in a matter of seconds, Nick still looking at you, eyes searching your face for some sign of clarity. 

“I hate you.” You said, almost choking on your words, the pain of remembering too much. 

“I know.” He said, looking as terrible as he probably felt.

“I hate you so much,” The tears were slowly streaming down your face now. “I hate you for everything you put me through. I hate everything you did to yourself. But I hate me more. I hate the fact that I didn’t even try to help you. That I didn’t tell your family, or Alicia at least. I hate how I left you on that hill and didn’t try to understand you, didn’t try to make things better.”

“I didn’t deserve it, (Y/N).” Nick said, and he was serious. 

“You’re right, you didn’t. But you didn’t deserve this more. You were my best friend, Nick. I should have tried to help you through your addiction, but as your girlfriend I was too angry about you and Gloria to care what had happened to you. I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t be, besides it’s over now. The drugs and everything.” There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm in his voice, he was dead serious. 

“Okay.” You said nodding and wiping away your tears. “That’s good to hear.” 

“Hey, (Y/N)?” 

“Yeah, Nick?”

“If it isn’t too much to ask, can you stay with me?” His eyes were sparkling with possibility. You reached for his hand nearest to you and held it gently. 

“I’m not going anywhere Nick. I’m going to help you through this like I should have a long time ago.”

He smiled, “You’re too good to me.” 

You smiled back, feeling better. “Don’t I know it.” You both laughed lightly. It was a good feeling. 

When Travis came back into the room later that evening, he found you curled up against Nick on the hospital bed, both of you resting soundly and looking peaceful.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's a little much but I couldn't get this little angst work out of my head. I hope you enjoyed it. :)


End file.
